In the last two weeks, I traveled to Peru for a plant medicine retreat. It was an intense and profoundly healing experience. I plan to share more about that experience in a future episode.
While in the Amazonian jungle of Peru surrounded by nature and wild animals, I had ample time to reflect and write. As I looked back on the growth, healing, and transformation of the past three and a half years, I realized my journey felt like a sudden wake from a bad dream one day. It was dramatic. It was like flipping a switch from night to day.
Of course, it took me some time to become the confident, self-assured and unstoppable force of nature I am today, and I’m still a work in progress.
However, the pivotal moment in July, 2021 at age 42 years old, walking into my therapist, Dr. Pratt’s office, that day marked a turning point in my life. A moment when everything began to shift.
And I was pondering, Why I woke up at that particular time, but not earlier?
I realized that there were three key elements that happened at the same time, but not earlier. Do I wish I had started this journey sooner? Hell, yes. But I didn’t. And I came to believe that It couldn’t have happened any sooner. I needed all those years for those three elements to align and ignite the change I desperately needed.
But here’s the good news. The good news is that with what I’ve learned, you don’t have to wait for those three things to happen. You can intentionally create the conditions to spark your own change and accelerate your transformation journey.
Why wait? Why endure unnecessary suffering when you don’t have to? In this episode, we are diving into those three transformative elements and how you can take control of your path to your growth and healing. Let’s get started.
What are those three key elements?
- I allowed myself to feel my negative emotions.
- I stopped hoping external circumstances would change my internal emotional state.
- I decided to get professional help.
Let’s unpack each one of them one by one.
One, I allowed myself to feel my negative emotions.
Until then, I had countless distractions to keep myself busy and disconnected from my emotions. Restaurants, shopping, gyms, and social activities. But when the world shut down during the pandemic, I was forced into solitude with nowhere to go and nothing much to do. I spent hours walking outside and surrounded by nature.
Something unexpected happened in those moments of solitude. I began acknowledging my feelings. I felt lonely. I felt frustrated. I felt confused.
On the surface, my life looked perfect. I was at the height of my career. I was earning more money than I ever imagined. I had just bought and moved into a beautiful house in an upscale neighborhood.
But beneath it all, I was deeply unhappy.
I had no close friends.
My partner and I were emotionally distant.I felt humiliated by his constant belittling comments and criticism. at the same time, I didn’t want to leave him.
At work, I gave my 120 %, while feeling frustrated with others not meeting my high standards. But I couldn’t stop myself from caring less. I felt my identity was so tied to work, and I didn’t like that, but I didn’t know how to change. I ended every workday drained, and then the tension at home left me feeling even more depleted.
The emotional stress was constant. Despite all my external achievements, I felt like a complete mess.
For the first time, I allowed those feelings to rise to the surface instead of burying them. I felt emotionally bankrupt, but acknowledging that misery was a turning point.
But be honest, those feelings weren’t new. They had always been there. But before, I had ways to avoid them. When I felt lonely, I’d go shopping. When I felt frustrated, I’d go out to eat. And when I felt confused and lost, I’d take a vacation.
So everyone has your own coping mechanisms. You may drink, gamble or use substances or you may overwork, overthink or keep busy doing things for others. The methods may differ, but the goal is the same: avoiding or numbing negative emotions.
For me, the pandemic stripped away my distractions and forced me to confront those feelings head on.
And that was a blessing in disguise.
Two, I stopped hoping external circumstances would make me feel better.
For years, I believed external achievements would make everything better.
When I get next promotion, when I make more money, when I buy a house, when I move, the list goes on and on.
I thought these milestones would bring the fulfillment and happiness I was searching for. But by the time I had checked all those boxes and then some, I still felt lonely, frustrated and confused. That’s when it hit me. The solution wasn’t something external. It had to come from within.
Have you ever felt that reaching a goal you thought would change everything only to realize it didn’t? That realization was both humbling and liberating. It’s what finally set me on the path to true transformation.
Three, I decided to get professional help.
At that time, I was at my wit’s end. I read a few self-help books and listened to some podcast. But I was clueless and lost, “Why did I feel this way? And how could I change it?”
The only path I knew at that point was therapy. So that was what I did.
Knowing what I know now, of course, therapy is not the only professional resource available. But for me it was the right starting point, and it opened my eyes and helped me understand myself and unpack my past.
So later I discovered coaching and other healing modalities that significantly impacted my journey.
I wouldn’t have been where I am today without the professional help from my therapists and coaches.
Because they created a safe and non-judgmental environment for me to unpack all those confusing feelings I experienced.
They helped me see myself objectively. They pointed out my blind spots. I had so many that I had no idea. Then they also helped me recognize the strengths and qualities that I wasn’t aware either.
And I felt seen, heard, and understood for the first time in my life.
They taught me so many tools and skills to be a functioning adult. And before then, I was not a functioning adult in some areas of my life.
So I learned how to regulate my emotions, how to manage my thoughts, how to communicate in a nonviolent way and how to set boundaries, just to name a few of those.
And now looking back, I passively waited for those elements to happen because I didn’t know better. So that’s why it took me years to start this journey.
Oh boy, did I suffer during those years!
And I genuinely hope you don’t have to repeat my experience because here’s the truth. Because you can proactively create the conditions to accelerate your transformation.
Here is how.
The three key elements.
The first is allow yourself to feel your emotions. Slow down your life. Spend time in solitude. Create time and space to sit with your feelings, especially negative ones. Be emotionally honest with yourself.
Your emotions are not random. They are messengers giving you insights about your life. So pay attention and take notes.
Two: Stop waiting for external circumstances to change your internal emotional state. Promotions, more money, a bigger house, a new job, a marriage or even having a baby might bring you temporary happiness, but they won’t create lasting change. Unless you go inward and do the inner work, those feelings of discontent will persist. The change you are seeking starts within.
Three: Seek professional help. Therapy, coaching, or any other resources that resonates with you. It’s the best investment you will ever make in yourself. A professional guide can help you regulate your emotions, break through your blocks, and save you years of unnecessary struggle.
Again, three things you can do. One, allow yourself to feel your emotions. Two, stop waiting for external circumstances to change your internal emotional state. And three, seek professional help.
With that, my hope for you.
Start now.
Don’t wait until you feel completely drained.
Don’t wait till you are emotionally bankrupt.
Don’t wait until you hit rock bottom.
Because life on the other side is extraordinary.
You feel confident, you feel courageous, you feel unstoppable.
You feel free, content, and alive.
Why wait to live that life? Start now.
Learn more about how I help successful yet self-doubting women executives build grounded confidence and become unstoppable in achieving their goals.
Visit cocoduancoaching.com.
Until next time, remember to be kind to yourself.