To quit or not to quit?
Have you ever been told “Don’t be a quitter?”
I’ve been told that, and that mentality kept me stuck in things that didn’t serve me anymore for a long time.
It used to be so hard for me to quit.
Even though my corporate career was so sucking, it took me 20 years to quit.
Even though my marriage was highly dysfunctional, and I was deeply unhappy, it took me 12 years to quit.
Even my dentist, I was unsatisfied with his service, but it took me 2 years to quit him.
What was going on? Why was it so hard to quit something not serving me anymore?
I realized later that it was because I was more worried about what others thought of me versus how I felt and what truly mattered to me.
For the corporate career, I was more worried about my parents – “Would they think I’m crazy to quit a secure and high-paying job to do this risky thing as an entrepreneur?”
For the marriage, I was more worried, “Would I hurt my husband’s feelings? And would my friends think I’m a failure?”
For the dentist, I was worried, “would he think I am difficult?
So I pretended everything was okay and put up appearances while suffering inside for a long time.
Eventually, it was too much to handle, so I decided to make changes in my life.
I started this transformation journey and built this Grounded Confidence from the inside out.
Things are very different now. In this episode, I’m going to share with you the most recent experience of quitting.
Last week, I quit something after just three weeks, and I felt great about that decision.
I joined a business networking group at the beginning of the year.
Initially, I was attracted to the group by its structure, positive energy, and openness.
Soon after, I became a member. I noticed things underneath the surface that were not all positive.
There were unprofessional behaviors, a lack of accountability, and just overall low standards.
For instance, there’s this one guy, his name is Eric.
He likes to make inappropriate jokes and comments in our meetings and group chats.
He would comment on women’s looks and suggest we have a pool party and women wearing bikinis, while we have conservative religious people in our group who don’t even shake hands with the opposite sex.
He also brought up someone’s mistress in his weekly presentation.
And nobody stopped him.
The optimistic leader inside of me was thinking, “I have dealt with people and situations like this. I can fix this. I can take this group to the next level in terms of professionalism and growth.”
I volunteered to be the leader of the group.
I started the role three weeks ago. One of the first things I did was to have a conversation with this inappropriate joker.
I said to him, “Eric, this is a business networking group. I know you like to make jokes, but certain jokes are inappropriate in this setting, and we need you to be more professional.”
And he said to me, “Coco, my jokes are funny. Everybody laughed at my jokes, and you just don’t like my sense of humor. You came from China, right? I thought you didn’t like dictatorship, and now you act like a dictator.”
There’s an older lady in the group. Her name is Sandy. She has been with the group for a long time but is not in compliance with one of our group’s basic rules.
A colleague of mine and I set up a one-to-one with her over Zoom. While we were on Zoom speaking to her in a professional and respectful manner, I heard her husband start yelling in the background, “Sandy, hang up the phone already. Those ladies are ambushing you. Stop talking to them. Enough is enough.”
So those were just two of a few of these dramatic, unprofessional, and uncomfortable interactions that I had to deal with.
They didn’t sit well with me, and I felt it.
The old me would have continued to push on and say, “You know, I made a commitment to the group. I need to keep doing what I’m doing. No matter how uncomfortable I felt, and I don’t want them to think I’m a quitter, and I don’t want to give up too soon.”
But now, the new me is very conscious and aware of what’s going on. So, I took some time to truly connect and reflect.
The first question I asked myself was, how do I feel physically?
Physically, I felt a pit in my stomach, weight over my shoulder, and just a lot of resistance in my body.
I know whenever I feel that something is going on.
And then emotionally?
Emotionally, I felt drained, dreadful, and disheartened.
Then I asked myself the second question: what truly matters to me?
First, what matters to me is peace.
I don’t want dramas in my life, and I don’t want toxic people in my life. I want to surround myself with positive, uplifting, and inspiring people who are at least professional and have a growth mindset.
My time and energy are precious. When I spend time fighting with people who are unprofessional, toxic, and immature, I am not spending the time in meeting the people who are like-minded and who can uplift and inspire me.
With that sacred pause, that moment of reflection, I knew I had a choice to make. And it was so clear – I quit.
This is not right for me. I love meeting people and helping and supporting people, but it needs to be in the right environment with the right people
Because you can’t change people. You can only change the people you surround yourself with.
So, during this process, I wasn’t worried at all about what they would think.
First of all, who even cares about the opinions of those people I don’t even respect.
Second is the people I respect, and I know, would respect my decision.
So, after that decision, I felt an incredible sense of relief. I just felt this weight off my shoulders and peace. So that’s always a good sign that I made the right decision.
Because you know, you know it in your body, you know it in your mind, you can feel it physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Another interesting thing that happened right after I made that decision was that several people reached out to me to ask me to speak at their events, just out of the blue.
And they are the type of people I want to surround myself with. And it is the right type of opportunity aligned with the direction of my business growth.
I know it’s not a coincidence because energy attracts like energy.
Now, I’ve created more time and space, so the right people and opportunities are showing up.
This experience is a great reminder of the critical importance of connecting with yourself.
Connecting with yourself is the foundation of building your Grounded Confidence.
I feel proud of myself and of how much progress I’ve made in the last three years.
It’s incredibly liberating to make a decision like that with the Grounded Confidence.
What about you? Is there anything in your life that you are on the fence about?
Are you debating and questioning whether you should quit or not to quit, or do it or not to do it?
I challenge you to create time and space to connect and reflect truly.
Ask yourself two questions.”
First, how do you feel? How do you feel physically, mentally, and emotionally?
Second is what truly matters to you?
Don’t focus on what others might think. Others bring their perspectives, their experiences, and their point of view. It’s sometimes good to take this into consideration.
But ultimately, only you know the truth, and your truth will set you free.
Just a couple of other things to call out.
One is that if you are like me, have a people-pleasing tendency, and have a hard time setting boundaries.
Those are all conditioning from childhood. This work is so important. This is a process of reprogramming that.
It takes practice and repetition. The good news is that it’s totally changeable. As you have heard about my experience, you can completely change your behavior pattern.
Second, it takes intentional practice. Just like going to the gym, and exercising your muscle, the more you practice, the easier it gets.
When you practice, it’s important to start with baby steps.
Start with a decision or something small, something that is inconsequential.
Don’t start big decisions like your career or relationship.
Because your nervous system cannot handle it yet. It’s too much.
But start with, let’s say, a dinner invite or a party invite. Someone asks you for a favor.
This is the process of building Grounded Confidence.
Building Grounded Confidence process is knowing yourself, knowing how you feel, knowing what you want, and then knowing how to trust yourself.
With more time that you’ll have the habit of checking with yourself, connecting, and reflecting,
This muscle of knowing and trusting yourself will become stronger and stronger, then you will feel more and more grounded, and your confidence will grow stronger and stronger.
Then you will care less and less about what others think of you.
One last thing I want to mention is self-compassion. It’s very important to note that this process may be uncomfortable, difficult, or unnatural for you, and it’s totally normal.
The key is to be kind to yourself.
If you still repeat the old pattern and tendency, but if you start noticing, that’s already a great first step. Then, don’t give up.
Keep practicing and keep building that muscle.
With that, your confidence will grow.
One day, you will become this unstoppable and unshakable force of nature in achieving your goals.
To learn more about how I help Successful yet Self-doubting women leaders build Grounded Confidence and become unstoppable in achieving their goals, visit cocoduancoaching.com. Until next time, remember to be kind to yourself.