For many of us, family and cultural influences have shaped how we define success. However, without a clear personal definition, it’s easy to fall into social comparison, peer pressure, and family obligations, all forces that can chip away at your self-confidence.
Today, I’ll share my own journey from living by my mom’s definition of success to finding a definition that truly resonates with me.
By the end, you will take away a very powerful tool to help you clarify your definition of success, empowering you to build more Grounded Confidence.
When I was 6, I was a tomboy. I wanted to have fun, get into trouble, and beat boys up. Doing well at school was the last thing on my mind.
But that was the only thing my parents seemed to care about. They pushed me to try harder. So I finally did.
One day, I scored well on a math test. I was so excited to rush home and share the great news with my mom. The smell of garlic and ginger led me to the kitchen.
She was busy cooking. I said to her, “Mom, Mom, look at this. I scored 97 out of 100. I’m the third best in my class.”
My mom barely looked up and said, “Oh, okay. What about your friend Julia? Did she score higher than you?
I said, “Yes, she did. But I’m still the third best in my class. I did better than almost everyone. I am proud of that.”
Then my mom said, “Coco, being in third place, there’s nothing to be proud of. If you want to be proud, you either be the best or bring home the perfect score.”
That became my definition of success – the best or perfect.
Of course, that particular childhood experience alone didn’t shape my definition of success, but it left such an impression on me. Almost 40 years later, I can still remember that moment vividly. That moment encapsulated my family’s expectations of me. It imprinted this definition of success on me.
With that mindset, fast forward 30 years later, I was 36 years old, living in New York City, working for a Fortune 500 company.
At that point, I was 6 years into my career there. I wasn’t excited about waking up every morning to do the work anymore. And I didn’t want to be like my boss, Nancy.
She was so stressed out, running from meeting to meeting like a chicken with her head cut off. But guess what? I still wanted to get promoted.
I had several conversations with Nancy. I asked her, “What does it take for me to get promoted? And I want to get promoted.”
I didn’t even want the job, but I still wanted to get the promotion.
Have you ever met people like that? What’s going on here?
For me, that desire for promotion was shaped by my definition of success then.
Because everyone around me was striving for promotions, so I wanted one too. I wanted the title, the recognition, and the external validation.
Back then, I didn’t have an inner compass. I wasn’t clear on what truly mattered to me. And my definition of success was still my mom’s.
Though I felt conflicted and unexcited, I didn’t know how to trust that feeling. I now realize this phenomenon is incredibly common.
I had a client named Jenny. She came to me because she just got laid off.
In our first meeting, she told me, “Coco, I feel like a failure, a loser, and worthless.”
Very soon, I found out that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Jenny always gives her 120% at work. She is a high performer, very driven, competent, and capable. However, her definition of success, her sense of self and self-worth, was completely tied to her job performance.
Of course, when she lost her job, she felt like a failure, a loser, and worthless. After we worked together for several months, she completely changed her view of herself and her definition of success.
First, she found another job very quickly.
Then she said to me, “Coco, this time, I’m not going to give 120 percent, 100 percent, no more. I’m going to focus on building my side hustle, my real estate investment, so that I can reach my financial independence sooner. Now, I have free time. I started to learn to sing opera and play the piano. Those are the two passions that I have neglected for years. I feel like a changed person. I feel so much more balanced, fulfilled, and happier.”
And I had a similar experience. My coach helped me clarify my definition of success three years ago.
By defining my core values. I realized success is no longer being the best, perfect, or having money or prestige. Success is not how I look outside but how I feel inside.
I’ve identified freedom, meaningful connections, and contribution as my definition of success.
Freedom is the ability to do what I love to do, wherever I want to do it, whenever I want to do it, and with whomever I want to do it with.
Meaningful connection is to create a deep and authentic bond with another person that goes beyond surface-level interactions to make each other feel seen, heard, and understood.
Contribution is to add value to other people’s lives and make a positive impact on others.
With that clarity, it gave me the courage and confidence to fire corporate America and fire my husband, because those two things were not aligned with my definition of success anymore.
Now, I’m living a life aligned with my values, and I am feeling truly alive.
What about you? What’s your definition of success? Is it your mom’s, or someone else, or is it yours?
Do you want to find out?
Today we are going to use a simple yet powerful tool to help you clarify your definition of success. And the same tool that I used to help me clarify my definition of success.
The tool is called Defining Your Core Values. Your core values are your North Star. It’s a set of positive emotional states you want to experience when you achieve your success.
It helps you make personal and professional decisions, and it helps you determine how to spend your precious time and energy.
I’m going to ask you three questions.
Don’t overthink. Just use the first memory that pops up in your head.
Question 1 – think of a time or a moment when you experienced the most joy in your life.
Joy is a profound sense of happiness and contentment and is often accompanied by feelings of lightness, peace, and delight.
Question 2 – think of a time or a moment when you felt most proud of yourself.
Question 3 – think of a time or a moment when you felt most fulfilled.
Fulfillment often comes from engaging in activities that resonate with one’s passions, contributing to something greater than oneself, and nurturing meaningful relationships.
Next, use this “Identify Your Core Value Worksheet”.
You are going to identify your top three based on this list. And if there’s any other core value that you can think of, and it’s not on this list, and you can use yours as well.
And I’m going to use myself as an example to illustrate how to do this exercise.
My answer to the first question – most joy?
When I get together with my close girlfriends when we have deep, meaningful, and authentic conversations, when I truly feel that we are connected heart to heart, and when I truly feel we are being seen, heard, and understood. And that just brings me so much joy.
With that, I identify this core value as connection.
The second question – most proud of myself – when I decided to leave corporate America. It was very scary, but I valued freedom more than security, money, and prestige.
So, this value is freedom.
Last question: when I felt most fulfilled – I felt most fulfilled when I helped my clients to transform their lives. it feels so rewarding and fulfilling.
This value for me is contribution.
You are going to use the same approach to identify your top three values.
I know sometimes it’s not easy to pick up the top three, but it’s very important to do that because if you have too many priorities and there are no priorities.
The key to this set of core values is you’re going to be your North Star, really going to help you make decisions and determine how you’ll spend your time and energy. So now you have your top three values.
The next thing you’re going to do is to evaluate how much alignment you’re living with your values from 1 to 10. 1 being the lowest, 10 being the highest.
Where are you right now? And Where do you want to be?
I’ll use mine as an example, connection.
I was at two or three when I started doing this work.
I felt very lonely. I had very few friends, and I really didn’t feel comfortable being vulnerable with my friends. And I didn’t feel comfortable to ask for help and support.
I want it to be eight. I identified where I am now, two, and I want to be eight.
You do the same exercise for all three values.
Once you finish that, then what are you going to do?
It is to look at this and just identify one action. You will take this week to close the gap.
I’m only asking you to take one action. As I always say, it’s very important to start with baby steps. The smallest action you can take, start now, and take it consistently.
And then incredible changes will happen down the road. If you think about taking three or five actions, guess what? You will feel overwhelmed. With that, you may not do anything.
The key is to take one small action now and do it consistently.
When I did this exercise, one small action I identified was to say hi to the person next to me whenever I go to networking events, Toastmasters meetings, or social gatherings.”
And that small action, just say hi to the person next to me. And I have done it consistently for the past three years. And I have made so many new friends ever since.
Some of those friends have become close to me. And now, this connection in terms of alignment, I am living at a nine. I moved from two to nine just by taking that simple action consistently.
That’s the power of consistency by taking that simple action.
As you can see, this is a very powerful exercise when you take it to heart.
Because this exercise is really about bringing self-awareness, first and foremost.
First of all, to help you identify what your core values, what’s your definition of success, and change from this automatic programming, from our childhood, from family and culture to now this intentional choice.
You get to choose what truly matters to you and what are the most important things for you.
You then say yes to the decisions and actions, big and small, to move you closer to your values.
At the same time, say no to the decisions and actions that move you away from your values. Then, over time, you will feel very differently about your life.
And this is a critical step in building your Grounded Confidence. This confidence is really grounded in your own goals that genuinely fulfill you and reflect your unique strengths, passions, and purpose.
With Grounded Confidence, then you are less likely to be swayed by social comparison, peer pressure, and family obligations that can erode your self-confidence.
In this way, Grounded Confidence becomes not just about feeling capable but also about feeling assured in the direction of your life, guided by your authentic vision of success. And this kind of success is so much more fulfilling.
To learn more about how I help successful yet self-doubting women leaders build Grounded Confidence and become unstoppable in achieving their goals, visit cocoduancoaching.com.
Until next time, remember to be kind to yourself.